Beware, some wedding guests may find some of these jokes rude... if so, slip them into the wedding telegrams anonymously!
If you have any other classic wedding telegrams, please email them to me and I’ll put them here for all to enjoy, with acknowledgement of your fine contribution.
From [Groom’s] football team
We have tried [Groom] in every position but it
didn't work out so we had to pull him off.
They married on the cricket pitch.
If you want to stop the stork from delivering a little bundle, shoot it in the air…
The wedding night is like an aircraft taking off - Both hands on the joystick and flaps open…
A honeymoon couple is like an old TV set – four wobbly legs and a worn out knob!!!
A honeymoon couple is like a kitchen table – Four bare legs and no draws.
Marriage is like a beautiful tree - it starts off with a good root.
Bachelors know more about women than men who’ve just got married – If they didn’t they’d be married too.
[Bride] don’t give up your girlhood ways all at once. . . . You can continue taking your allowance from your Father just as if nothing has happened at all.
So [Bride], you and [Groom] are finally married. And I thought it was merely a flirtation... Come to think of it so did [Groom].
Remember. If you smoke after sex… it means you’re doing it too fast.
May today be the worst day of your future together.
Hey [Groom], do you have any nude photos of [Bride]???
No? Do you want to buy some?
May your love and your marriage be as endless as……
Dear [Bride] & [Groom],
Congratulations to you both and best wishes for
Dear [Bride] & [Groom],
Don't spring on the
or there will be an
Sorry we couldn’t make it to the wedding - hope you have a great day - please send us a photo of yourself and your gorgeous wife, preferably mounted…
I overheard [Bride] talking to [Groom] just a short while ago, "Will you love me when I get old?" she asked.
"Love you?" answered [Groom]. "I shall idolize you. I shall worship the ground under your feet. I shall... um... er... you’re not going to look like your mother, are you?"
[Groom] how could you do this to us. You said that we were your only true girls. Oh well best of luck.
Signed Liz, Gloria, Teresa, Valerie, Kim, Chris, Al, Bruce and Gary
Trying to figure out why you got married, especially after the most recent survey on women showed that 10% of the men interviewed liked women with thin legs. Another 15% preferred muscular legs. The rest liked something in between.
[Groom] I’m glad that we are married. Now I can protect you from all those OTHER two-timing gold–diggers.
[Groom] remember that everything is shared in a marriage.
You get to share the blame while [Bride] gets to share the credit.
(...and your credit card!)
Brandy makes you randy and
Whisky makes you frisky but
it's a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you pregnant!
If you're planning to get some sleep tonight, don’t forget that active girls never go to sleep until after three - although once or twice is enough for some.
Easy on the throttle,
Steady on the gears,
Roll her over gently and
She'll last for many years.
Upon hearing of your wedding we cancelled your current order and have had to lay off five workers.
From Management and remaining staff, Energizer batteries.
The wedding night should be like a good roast chicken...
a little bit of breast
a little bit of leg
and a whole lot of stuffing!
Well [Groom], you have finally acquired a kitchen appliance that not only cooks and cleans but can also be mounted anywhere in the kitchen!
Ashes to ashes,
I knew that [couples names] were getting married when I saw them standing outside the jewellery shop picking each others rings…
Your carpet arrived this morning -
man who sink into woman's arms
soon have arms in woman's sink!
Q: What's the difference between [Bride] and an old computer?
A: An old computer would take a floppy!
The time has come to end the day,
Forecast for the wedding night:
Expected development of warm front
with extreme turbulence and moisture in the lower regions.
Six to twelve inches expected overnight with wild willy-willies.
Don't be surprised if you see the son later on!
Her hair is red like an apple,
[Bride], Don't put [Groom] in the dog house, or he may bury his bone next door!
[Husband], If you're a man, you will do it
Today there is one [Brides' family name] less,
And if [Groom] does his job tonight,
[Bride], When you were a baby, your mother put you to bed with a dummy...
Tonight, she's doing it again!
Life's good, future's bright,
So come to me for a quote. - Captain Snooze
She'll offer her honour,
Here's hoping your dog doesn't draw the Red Box tonight!
Today's the day,
The wild ones say
'Go west young man
get up the Darling as far as you can'!
- Bourke Extreme Indoor Sports Club
[Bride] was having trouble choosing her
bridesmaids and asked me for advice.
[Groom], The wedding night can be like a game of snooker, so if the pink is covered by the red go for the brown.
[Bride], Hold [Groom] like a flower...
Grab him by the stalk!
And finally, here's a cunning one I wrote myself:
Use this one to play a prank on the reader of the telegrams – where the best man or the grooms men will be reading the telegrams, the bridesmaids may want to keep this one in reserve, in case the wedding toasts to the bridesmaids are not up to scratch!
The key to the prank is that the meaning of the 'poem' is hidden from the reader. So when someone reads this aloud:
Dear [Bride] and [Groom],
Can track all,
Pike more whine,
Their doubt loud?
Me please thin,
Their audience hears this:
Dear [Bride] and [Groom],
Can't recall the last time we were all this
smashed – or'd one of you spike my wine?
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This page was first created in March 1997 and was last modified 12 March 2012.
Copyright © Matthew Keith Groves 1996-2012. All rights reserved.