Classic Wedding Telegrams

From [Groom’s] football team

Dear [Bride],

We have tried [Groom] in every position but it didn't work out so we had to pull him off.
Hope you have better luck.

If you want to stop the stork from delivering a little bundle, shoot it in the air…

The wedding night is like an aircraft taking off - Both hands on the joystick and flaps open…

A honeymoon couple is like an old TV set – four wobbly legs and a worn out knob!!!

A honeymoon couple is like a kitchen table – Four bare legs and no draws.

Marriage is like a beautiful tree - it starts off with a good root.

Bachelors know more about women than men who’ve just got married – If they didn’t they’d be married too.

[Bride] don’t give up your girlhood ways all at once. . . . You can continue taking your allowance from your Father just as if nothing has happened at all.

From [Groom].

So [Bride], you and [Groom] are finally married. And I thought it was merely a flirtation...  Come to think of it so did [Groom].

Hey [Groom], do you have any nude photos of [Bride]???

No? Do you want to buy some?

Dear [Bride] & [Groom],

Congratulations to you both and best wishes for the future.
Can't recall the last time we were all this drunk – or did one of you blokes
spike my drink with a daterape drug again? My butt's still sore from last time...
Did I just read that out loud? Maybe I should have read this to myself before
reading it out to all of you...
...ok, it's not funny any more, it's just embarrassing – move on to the next one!!

Dear [Bride] & [Groom],

Don't spring on the

inner-spring

this Spring

or there will be an

offspring

next Spring!

Dear [Groom],

Sorry we couldn’t make it to the wedding - hope you have a great day - please send us a photo of yourself and your gorgeous wife, preferably mounted…

I overheard [Bride] talking to Groom just a short while ago, "Will you love me when I get old?" she asked.

"Love you?" answered [Groom].  "I shall idolize you.  I shall worship the ground under your feet. I shall... um... er... you’re not going to look like your mother, are you?"

[Groom] how could you do this to us. You said that we were your only true girls.  Oh well best of luck.

Signed Liz, Gloria, Teresa, Valerie, Kim, Chris, Al, Bruce and Gary

To [Groom]

Trying to figure out why you got married, especially after the most recent survey on women showed that 10% of the men interviewed liked women with thin legs. Another 15% preferred muscular legs. The rest liked something in between.

[Groom] I’m glad that we are married.  Now I can protect you from all those OTHER two-timing gold–diggers.

From [Bride]

[Groom] remember that everything is shared in a marriage.

You get to share the blame while [Bride] gets to share the credit.

(...and your credit card!)

Brandy makes you randy and

Whisky makes you frisky but

it's a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you pregnant!

[Groom],

If you're planning to get some sleep tonight, don’t forget that active girls never go to sleep until after three - although once or twice is enough for some.

Easy on the throttle,

Steady on the gears,

Roll her over gently and

She'll last for many years.

[Bride],

Upon hearing of your wedding we cancelled your current order and have had to lay off five workers.

Congratulations anyway.

From Management and remaining staff, Energizer batteries.

The wedding night should be like a good roast chicken...

a little bit of breast

a little bit of leg

and a whole lot of stuffing!

Well [Groom], you have finally acquired a kitchen appliance that not only cooks and cleans but can also be mounted anywhere in the kitchen!

Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust,
If it wasn’t for [bride],
[groom’s] balls would rust.

I knew that [couples names] were getting married when I saw them standing outside the jewellery shop picking each others rings…

Your carpet arrived this morning -
You'll get your underfelt tonight.

Confucius say:

man who sink into woman's arms

soon have arms in woman's sink!

Q: What's the difference between [Bride] and an old computer?

A: An old computer would take a floppy!

The time has come to end the day,
The night is only young,
So when you get her home tonight,
Show her the length of your tongue!

Forecast for the wedding night:

Expected development of warm front

with extreme turbulence and moisture in the lower regions.

Six to twelve inches expected overnight with wild willy-willies.

Don't be surprised if you see the son later on!

Her hair is red like an apple,
Today you stood at the chapel,
Tonight your house will rattle!

[Bride], Don't put [Groom] in the dog house, or he may bury his bone next door!

[Husband], If you're a man, you will do it tonight,
If you're a mouse you'll do it tomorrow,
But if you're a rat, you already did it last night!

Today there is one [Brides' family name] less,
And one [Groom's family name] more,

And if [Groom] does his job tonight,
There will be [Groom's family name]'s galore!

[Bride], When you were a baby, your mother put you to bed with a dummy...

Tonight, she's doing it again!

Life's good, future's bright,
After tonight
Your bedsprings might
Be a little light...

So come to me for a quote. - Captain Snooze

She'll offer her honour,
He'll honour her offer,
And all night long he'll be on 'er, off 'er, on 'er, off 'er...

To: [Groom]
From: [...] Greyhound Racing Club

Here's hoping your dog doesn't draw the Red Box tonight!

Today's the day,
Tonight's the night,
We killed the stork
So you'll be right!

Congratulations!
From Bob Farken, Gail Farken,
And the whole Farken family!

The wild ones say

'Go west young man

get up the Darling as far as you can'!

- Bourke Extreme Indoor Sports Club

Dear [Bride],
I was going to send you a parrot as a wedding present, but then I heard you already had a cock-or-two!!

[Bride] was having trouble choosing her bridesmaids and asked me for advice.
I told her get all of her friends together and pick the ones who most desperately needed a new dress.

[Groom], The wedding night can be like a game of snooker, so if the pink is covered by the red go for the brown.

[Bride], Hold [Groom] like a flower...

Grab him by the stalk!

And finally, here's a cunning one I wrote myself:

Use this one to play a prank on the reader of the telegrams – where the best man or the grooms men will be reading the telegrams, the bridesmaids may want to keep this one in reserve, in case the wedding toasts to the bridesmaids are not up to scratch!

The key to the prank is that the meaning of the 'poem' is hidden from the reader. So when someone reads this aloud:

Dear [Bride] and [Groom],
In honour of the occasion I have penned this poem for you.
The reader may not appreciate the meaning here,
but I know you will:

Can track all,
The lass time we
Roll this mash,
Door dawn or views.

Pike more whine,
Dare my but still –
Roar from lass,
Timed eye just say.

Their doubt loud?
What sin thee struck.
Zen he way,
Some buddy's top.

Me please thin,
Guy's head in huff.
Full dare gain,
And unto well!

Their audience hears this:

Dear [Bride] and [Groom],
In honour of the occasion I have penned this poem for you.
The reader may not appreciate the meaning here,
but I know you will:

Can't recall the last time we were all this smashed – or'd one of you spike my wine?
Damn, my butt's still raw from last time.
Did I just say that out loud?
What's in these drugs anyway!?
Somebody stop me please!
Think I said enough.
Fooled again and done too well!