Classic Wedding Telegrams
Good
for a few laughs at a wedding! If you have any others, please mail
them to me and I’ll put them online for all to enjoy!
From [Groom’s] football team
Dear [Bride],
We have tried [Groom]
in every position but it didn't work out so we had to pull him off.
Hope you have better luck.
If you want to stop the stork from delivering a little bundle, shoot it in the air…
The wedding night is like an aircraft taking off - Both hands on the joystick and flaps open…
A honeymoon couple is like an old TV set – four wobbly legs and a worn out knob!!!
A honeymoon couple is like a kitchen table – Four bare legs and no draws.
Marriage is like a
beautiful tree - it starts off with a good root.
Bachelors know more
about women than men who’ve just got married – If they didn’t
they’d be married too.
[Bride] don’t
give up your girlhood ways all at once. . . . You can continue taking your
allowance from your Father just as if nothing has happened at all.
From
[Groom].
So [Bride], you and
Groom are finally married. And I thought it was merely a flirtation... Come to think of it so did [Groom].
Hey [Groom], do you
have any nude photos of [Bride]???
No? Do you want to buy some?
Dear [Groom],
Sorry we couldn’t
make it to the wedding - hope you have a great day - please send us a photo of
yourself and your gorgeous wife, preferably mounted…
I overheard [Bride]
talking to Groom just a short while ago, "Will you love me when I get
old?" she asked.
"Love
you?" answered [Groom]. "I
shall idolize you. I shall worship the
ground under your feet. I shall... um... er...
you’re not going to look like your mother, are you?"
[Groom] how could you do this to us. You said that we were your only
true girls. Oh well best of luck.
Signed Liz, Gloria,
Teresa, Valerie, Kim, Chris, Al, Bruce and Gary
To [Groom]
Trying to figure out
why you got married, especially after the most recent survey on women showed
that 10% of the men interviewed liked women with thin legs. Another 15%
preferred muscular legs. The rest liked something in between.
[Groom] I’m
glad that we are married. Now I can
protect you from all those OTHER two-timing gold–diggers.
From [Bride]
[Groom] remember
that everything is shared in a marriage.
You get to share the
blame while [Bride] gets to share the credit.
(...and
your credit card!)
[Groom],
If you're planning
to get some sleep tonight, don’t forget that active girls never go to
sleep until after three - although once or twice is enough for some.
[Bride],
Upon hearing of your
wedding we cancelled your current order and have had to lay off five workers.
Congratulations
anyway.
From Management and remaining staff, Energizer batteries.
Well [Groom], you have finally acquired a kitchen appliance that not only cooks and cleans but can also be mounted anywhere in the kitchen!
Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust,
If it wasn’t for [bride],
[groom’s] balls would rust.
I knew that [couples names] were getting married when I saw them standing outside the jewellery shop picking each others rings…
Your carpet arrived
this morning -
You'll get your underfelt tonight.
Q: What's the difference between [Bride] and a computer?
A: A computer takes a floppy!
The time has come to
end the day,
The night is only young,
So when you get her home tonight,
Show her the length of your tongue!
Her hair is red like
an apple,
Today you stood at the chapel,
Tonight your house will rattle!
[Bride], Don't treat [Groom] like a dog, or he may bury his bone next door!
[Husband], If you're a man, you will do it tonight,
If you're a mouse you'll do it tomorrow,
But if you're a rat, you already did it last night!
Today there is one
[Brides' family name] less,
And one [Groom's family name] more,
And if [Groom] does
his job tonight,
There will be [Groom's family name]'s galore!
[Bride], When you were a baby, your mother put you to bed with a dummy...
Tonight, she's doing it again!
Life's good,
future's bright,
After tonight
Your bedsprings might
Be a little light...
So come to me for a quote. - Captain Snooze
She'll offer her
honour,
He'll honour her offer,
And all night long he'll be on 'er,
off 'er, on 'er, off 'er...
To: [Groom]
From: [...] Greyhound Racing Club
Here's hoping your dog doesn't draw the Red Box tonight!
Today's the day,
Tonight's the night,
We killed the stork
So you'll be right!
Congratulations!
From Bob Farken, Gail Farken,
And the whole Farken family!
Dear [Bride],
I was going to send you a parrot as a wedding present, but then I heard you
already had a cock-or-two!!
[Bride] was having
trouble choosing her bridesmaids and asked me for advice.
I told her get all of her friends together and pick the ones who most desperately
needed a new dress.
The wedding night can be like a game of snooker, so if the pink is covered by the red go for the brown.
Why
not send
a hello? It'll be Excellent to hear from you!
This page was last modified 20 February 2007.